October 9, 2020 by Johnny Blondo
The Garveys have parted ways with outfielder Albert Almora after he posted a horrible first half of BatBreaker Season 7. Almora (known more commonly as ‘Whinesomemora’ among teammates) was traded along with teammates Chris Taylor and Dansby Swanson to his former team the Jerk Fuzzballs immediately following game 6 in which he was again hitless and added 2 more strikeouts to his team-leading 40% strikeout rate. ‘He struck out for average again today’ said Garvey catcher Molina, ‘we have a strikeout rate tracker on the whiteboard in our locker room, and Whinesomemora always quips that he’s proud to be at the top of something when he sees it’.
When asked how he got this unfortunate nickname Garvey outfielder Lorenzo Cain was quick to answer: ‘When he first joined us (the Garveys) he was like “I don’t wanna bat leadoff, it’s too much pressure” and “I don’t wanna bat last because everyone will think I’m horrible” and “I don’t wanna bat second or third” and on an on in a really whiny voice too! Man it was annoying! I feel bad for Steve, man, having to endure moving him around in the lineup all the time to try to get him to stop whining. Plus, laying around in the outfield during the game is just not right’ said Cain referring to Almora’s tendency to ‘take a break’ when he ‘felt tired’.
When asked in his office about Almora’s hesitation to bat anywhere in the lineup manager Steve Garvey mentioned that Almora “was….difficult to coach. I had to put him in a different place in the lineup each game or he would pout” said Garvey. ‘When he started laying down in the outfield during our last game against the Dice, that was really the final straw‘ finished Garvey.
“He was a clubhouse nightmare” barked fellow outfielder Adam Eaton. “Not only that, he was a dugout nightmare!” Eaton continued, “he was never on base so each time I got on base he would do weird things in the dugout to get my attention, like chirping and meowing and yelling ‘Fire’ and ‘Lookout’ and stuff like that. Do you have any idea how many times he distracted me and got me picked off! I’m so glad that Gordo is going to be taking his place, Gordo is awesome man.” Alex Gordon will be taking over the empty outfield spot and Garvey couldn’t be happier. “Gordo has a good attitude and is ready to learn, play, and win. He was a key component in our victory over the Hams, he is always ready to contribute, unlike somebody else who shall go unnamed”.
After the trade was announced, Garvey players gathered around utility man Chris Taylor who was one of the pieces of the trade and thanked him for his sacrifice. “ CT3 really took one for all of us today’ weeped a teary-eyed Daniel Murphy “without him the deal was off, Steve pleaded with him and CT3 said okay, and I was like ‘dude you are a hero’, I will welcome a hit from CT3 the next time we play the Fuzzballs so I can talk to him at first”.
When asked about acquiring third baseman Manny Machado in the deal Molina answered ‘Wow! I thought we were just getting rid of him, I had no idea we were getting a power player in return! How did that happen??”. Garvey was more subdued in reference to the Machado acquisition: ‘Well, he will be a key part of our second half success. We are slowly building another championship caliber team. We need to keep healthy and when we get Murph and Alby back we are going to be the team to beat’. The Garveys take on the heavy-handed Stank Hams next.
Johnny Blondo has been a reporter for BatBreaker since 2018.