By Charm Plankovich
December 4, 2020
In a rematch of Season 7’s one-sided BatBreaker Series, the Stank Hams faced off against the struggling Jerk Fuzzballs in their first meeting since the series. The Hams starter and BatBreaker Series co-MVP Lauer was hamming it up early in the game by giving up 3 first-inning runs in his first start of the season. Stank Hams coach Brinely was perplexed by Lauer’s early struggles. “Lau was really excited to get out there and pitch again, maybe maybe too excited. You see, he hasn’t pitched since the series and he really was lights out against these guys last time” said Brinely.
Lauer, whose high notes were his fastballs high and inside fastballs only lasted 3 innings before being pulled for the righty Barnes. The bench-clearing chin accompaniment provided by Barnes served to knock super slugger Alonso out of the game and onto the Hurt Roster. “Totally intentional” said Barnes, “I didn’t mean to drill him, I mean c’mon he’s Paul Alfonzo, you gotta hit him or he’ll hit it. Brinely kept tellin’ us before the game you know ‘take out the big man and we win the game’…” continued Barnes as teammates tried to pull him from the microphone. “Wait, you hit Alfonzo?” barked nearby reliever Michael Givens “then who the hell did I hit?” Givens continued with a confused look on his face.
Alonso wasn’t the only Fuzzball to take one on the chin. Star third baseman Ward did his share of ducking and weaving around Givens’ fastballs before finally succumbing to the beat and sharing a seat on the Hurt Roster with Pete. “Totally intentional” said Ward, “I tried to avoid ’em but I expected the 3-0 pitch to be right down the middle so I just stood there, but I was kinda confused cuz he kept lookin’ at me and callin’ me ‘the big man‘ while I was facing him. I’m not that big, I mean I’m tall but I’m pretty skinny” finished Ward while keeping the ice compress pressed tightly against his cheek.
While the Jerk Fuzzballs squeaked out a win, they did so at a high cost. Will the loss of their two offensive juggernauts impact their ability to score runs? We will see. The Fuzzballs face the Fishbones for game 3.
Charm Plankovich has been a reporter for BatBreaker since 2018.